It only happens…when I think of you, which is on a daily basis
It only happens…when I hear your name, which is every day
It only happens…when I see a picture of you, which is too often
It only happens…when a smell brings on memories of us
I dream about you often. In my dreams, we are together, asleep under a moonlit night, a cool sweet breeze caresses us, and I can hear the waves crashing in the distance, your warm embrace surrounds me. When I awake, you are gone, my mind is racing, a sweat comes over me, it’s hard to breathe, and my eyes fill with tears.
I think of us being back together again, but I know that if we did, it would only be temporary and I would have to endure the pain of missing you again. I wish we never left each other because I need you. My longing to be with you will always remain.
We cant be together because I am not good enough for you…
People tell me I am too small
My hair is too short
English is my first language, and when I speak in Samoan people tell me it sounds white
My skin is too bright, it’s not kissed by the sun
I am not full blooded Samoan because my dad is mixed, he never knew his father
I don’t know enough about your history and geography to claim you
I don’t eat pua’a, bovi, i’a…I don’t eat meat
When I dance the tauluga it is not graceful enough
I didn’t join the Army, because the Army took my mother’s life at the young age of 35, along with many of my Samoan brothers and sisters…overrepresentation in the military, overrepresentation in football…
I am not
I cannot
I do not
I would not
I could not…..JUST STOP!!!
No! Because you know what, I was so wrong about us. I was wrong about you, I was wrong about me. This is not what I thought it was. This relationship can be anything we want it to be. There are no limitations to this love. Although you are thousands of miles away, I will always carry you with me.
Teuila Kupu + unknown grandfather = Chester D. Aumua
Soloi Wilson + Tofi Wilson = Christina Soloi Wilson
Chester D. Aumua + Christina Soloi Wilson = Lisa Aumua
Lisa Aumua + Bobby Bernal-Wood =
Mataese Aumua Bernal-Wood + Omeka Aumua Bernal-Wood
Samoa, you are the cradle of Polynesia, and of my origins. Mataese and Omeka’s names are in your honor. Your genealogy, DNA, and legends run through my veins, and now in their veins, and will be in their children’s veins. When they kiss me, they remind me of your unconditional love and everlasting legacy passed on now through the younger generations who will carry on our pride and customs.
Two sisters singing, your tradition of tatau has been unbroken for over 2000 years. I wear my taulima with pride. Waves, spearheads, family, and flowers patterned along my wrist and forearm are reminders of an art form that has the ability to display my culture and history. My taulima is a visual representation of a tradition that was well preserved by my ancestors’ that lives on through me.
Your pake plays a drumbeat that pulses through my body, filling my life with your song and dance. This song sings in my heart, a prayer of gratitude and love for you. You allow me to walk through life with my head held high, and a path paved by chiefs, mothers, and fathers.
I am Samoan. I am American. I am marginalized. I have privilege. This is me, and you accept me for who I am and what I do. This is my truth. In your eyes, you make it all worthwhile. There is no use, I am captured by the view in your eyes.
Your spirit will always fill my heart, revive my soul, and remove all fear. Although you are thousands of miles away, I will always carry you with me. Samoa, this is my love letter to you.
